Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
