There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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