I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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