Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
