I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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