Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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