my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
