she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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