Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's always time for handjobs
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
