hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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