I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
