He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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