Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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