chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
