Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
