Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
