According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
