I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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