I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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