I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
