Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
