I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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