Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
They are going to name an STD after you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
