yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
