What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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