What did we do last night that was yellow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
