she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think a kid would responsible me up
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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