it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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