wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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