My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
