This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
