i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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