I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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