i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
