I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
