piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
