and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
