Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
