Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
high people should be assigned attendants
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
did you just send me my own nude
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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