i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.