I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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