So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
