i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
