While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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