I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
