im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
