i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i came on her dog
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
