I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
