My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
