allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
