i barfeds in our rink
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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