I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
