saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
