I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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