the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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