dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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