Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
