so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
