he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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