3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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