My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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