Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
