hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is this like a preordered booty call?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
